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Jokes
Here is some cool jokes. If you have one you would like me to share please E-mail me
Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing that night's
dinner. "Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" he
asks. "Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out ?" his mother says.
"no thanks, just the cider" "well sure", responds the mother and gives him the
cider and watches him trot off contentedly. About 15 minutes later Little
Johnny returns to the kitchen and again asks got a glass of cider.
his mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and
again watches him leave happy. 10 minutes later little Johnny returns once
again and asks for a glass of cider. His mother complies with her son's wishes again
but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer.
so she wanders into the family room and sees little Johnny sitting in front of the TV with
his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have you finger in that glass?" she asks.
"well mom," he explains, "I heard sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in
her hand, she couldn't wait to get it in cider."
Little Johnny goes for a long weekend with his uncle, a farm owner.
One evening, as uncle Fred and his wife are entertaining guests with
cocktails, they are interrupted by and out-of-breath little Johnny
who shouts out, "uncle Fred! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!"
uncle Fred, highly embarrassed, takes little Johnny aside, and explains
that a certain amount of decorum is required. " you should have said, the
bull is suprising the cow'- not some filth picked up in the playground," he says.
A few days later, little Johnny comes in again as his aunt and uncle are
entertaining. "Uncle Fred! The bull is surprising the cows!" the adults share
a knowing grin. Uncle Fred says, "thank you little Johnny, but surely you
meant to say "the cow, not cows." A bull cannot 'surprise ' more than one
cow at a time ya know." "oh yes he can!" replies little Johnny,
"he's fucking the horse!"
an extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a podiatrist's
office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up she
waves him over to the examination bed and says, "stick it through the curtain."
looking forward to something kinky the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it
through the crack in the curtains. "That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist
"holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replies the drunk.
a man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French
when the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring the restaurant's specialty.
the man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked the man if he wanted dessert.
he responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty.
the waiter said that was the peach poosay and he would order it for him.
a waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took off the cover and there
was a peach that had been quartered and pitted. The waitress proceeded to take
a piece of peach and push it in and out of her pussy. She picked up the second piece
and did the same. The man called the waiter over and asked, " am I actually expected to
eat the peach after that?" the waiter responded, " but no monsieur, you eat the
poosay."
On a beam 50 feet in the air sat a blonde, a brenette, and a red-head.
The red-head opens up her lunch pail and finds a turkey sandwitch. "Aw
man," she says, "If I get turkey on white again, I will jump off of this
beam. The brunette opens up her lunch pail and finds bologna. "Aw man,"
she says, "If I get bologna one more time I'm going to jump off of this
beam. The blonde opens up her lunch pail and finds P, B, &J. "Aw man,"
she says, "If I get peanut butter again I'm going to also jump off of this
beam."
The next day, they all open up their pails. "Oh phew," says the red-head,
"Bologna." "Oh phew," says the brunette, "Turkey." Then the blonde opens
up her pail and finds peanut butter, and without a word, she jumps off.
At the blonde's funeral, all of the construction workers husbands get
together. The brunette's husband says, "I didn't want to lose her, so I
packed her something different for lunch." The red-head's husband pipes
up and says, "I also didn't want to lose her, so I packed her something
different." The blonde's husband, sobbing and creating a flood with his
tears says, "It wasn't my fault she died. She packs her own lunch!"
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village.
They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes,
and find pleasure in each other's company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage.
She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.
"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but....How's your health?"
"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have
any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".
"Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've
got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"
"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have
to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain -
"And how's your sex life...."
"Infrequently", he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking...
"And is that one word or two?
God was talking with a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life.
There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant spoke first, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me.
It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
And God said, "Don't complain. You can pick up food easily & drink water without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK!
It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and
leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a long way!"
Finally, it was the hen's turn and the hen spoke up...
"Lord, I hate to complain, but either let me have a bigger butt or smaller eggs!"
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner?
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used
to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them
and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith!"
A "Blonde" guy comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"Honey...what's wrong!?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack!," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to call 911, but just as he's dialing, his 5-year-old son comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Dave's hiding in your closet - and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife,
and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there's his brother, naked, cowering on the floor.
"You stupid IDIOT!," says the husband...
"My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior -
there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make
you feel real good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary
and see what that gon-o-ria means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!
Moms are great teachers. As mine did, I'm sure your Mom
taught you some of these same rules in life...enjoy!
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to CRY ABOUT!"
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til those lima beans are gone!"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"